yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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