chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
