Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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