There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
