We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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