Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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