I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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