The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were trust falling into bushes
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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