I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
