I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
