I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
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I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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