ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
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Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
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i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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