i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
