just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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