mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
