So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Randomize
