Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
