There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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