i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize