I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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