we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
