Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
