Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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