threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
