listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
