low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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