I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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