I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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