I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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