He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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