shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
