I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
