I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
