You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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