that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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