We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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