shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
