Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
