i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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