Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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