i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
