I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
