I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
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If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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