two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
