Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
