Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
