The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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