apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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