If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
