When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
