She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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