You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
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You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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