His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
