He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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