Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
